NOW mostly KINDA largely FRIENDS-ONLY

BECAUSE YOU ARE PROBABLY A JERK

Comment to be added and prove you're not a jerk. Yep.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Your Mom!

1. Your Mom can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak.
2. Some hotels in Las Vegas have Your Mom floating in their swimming pools.
3. The Australian billygoat plum contains a hundred times more Vitamin C than Your Mom.
4. If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Your Mom.
5. Until the 1960s, Your Mom was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
6. More people are killed by Your Mom each year than die in aeroplane accidents.
7. Your Mom has a bifurcated penis.
8. Europe is the only continent that lacks Your Mom.
9. Native Americans never actually ate Your Mom; killing such a timid prey was thought to indicate laziness!
10. Your Mom is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

I can't fucking take it anymore. Excuse me, I'm about to go on a rant here.

I am coughing so fucking hard my eyes are bugging out, but I can't take any time off because MY COMPANY fucked up the act of mailing my visa paperwork to me and therefore I was running late to renew my visa and therefore I was out of work for a week and therefore I cannot possibly get any more time off ever again and keep my job. But I cannot breathe.

I cannot breathe. Would it ever occur to you EMOTIONALLY STUNTED, BOW-COVERED, GLITTER-ENCRUSTED, TOOTHLESS, OVERBLEACHED, MAKEUP-SPACKLED THUNDERTWATS to send me the fuck home?

I cannot do a job involving talking if I CANNOT BREATHE. I know that you have the collective cognitive ability of a pubic louse. Half a pubic louse. Even a pubic louse has some common sense and asnhdfshgdfajhsjh FUCK JAPAN.

Is your dream to move to Japan? YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT GO KILL YOURSELF NOW. End of story. Fuck. You. Die. Now.

My Paid Account has lapsed; I decided not to renew it until I start updating more frequently.

I'm feeling much, much better, generally speaking. My visa expired and I'm not allowed to go into work until I get the okay from Shinagawa, but it is COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WORK'S FAULT SO FUCK THEM.

Speaking of THAT, I will be looking for a new job fairly soon. If I am not, by some miracle, told that my contract won't be renewed, in which case I'll stay where I am. I really doubt that will happen.

LrB has, thankfully, been leaving me alone. Except for stalking my OKCupid account, since I blocked him on facebook.

I dressed up as Courtney Love for Halloween and me and some friends went and got drunk in Yoyogikoen.

My Japanese still sucks.

I have started dating this man who completely rocks my socks. Sort of like a cross between the Dawson's Creek guy and Dwight Schrute, facially- so I THOUGHT, until my drunk friend realized that he looks quite a bit like the Twilight dude:



...which, you know, that's cool, as long as he doesn't sparkle or break into my house to watch me sleep or abandon me or get me pregnant with a demon baby or any of the other histrionic shit that happens in those books. I think we have sexually destroyed a cottage or two, though. My word.

I'm doing NaNoWriMo and writing the novel from what actually happens in my life. I haven't worked on Ninth Empire since I left Toronto, but I have been reading, and it's...not very good. The story is still good, the dialogue is great, but the first fifty pages are a cross between Tom Robbins and Tolkien, and I don't even like Tolkien, so that's bad. I will not abandon it, however. I'm hoping this month-long kick in the seat of my writerly pants will jar something loose inside my brain.

OOOh, this breaks my Eugene Hutz mood theme, doesn't it? Maybe I will pay for that account after all...oh, no, wait, it's okay. Still.

Last message I sent to someone on OKCupid:

"Dude, what exactly made you think that I would fuck someone with no sense of humour?"

I mean, really, kids.

1. Army Guy has be unceremoniously cut out. When you spend three hours yelling at someone about shallow behaviour, it's time to sever.

2. Navy Guy is the most accessible applicant. Problem: he's BLOODY NINETEEN.

3. Israeli Guy is mega into me. Unfortunately, he is...not good-looking. So much so that my friend Ginny saw him and sent me a text reading "ANNA NO!!!!"

4. I suck and give up.

I realized, watching old videos posted by old friend on Facebook, that I am a very pretty girl.

That. Is neat.

So, after weeks of trying to throw LrB out, he did it to me. Two weeks ago or so.

I am better off. This I know completely. The last two months of the relationship were very emotionally abusive. I know, because I looked at an INTERNET CHECKLIST. God knows I don't trust my own feelings.

I'm...okay. I didn't miss him until today. It hurt a great deal.

I'm coping, I guess. Went on a date. He didn't fill my heart and mind immediately the way Randall did, but he's a much better person, so maybe I'll get lucky.

That's all the news. Dunno if anyone reads this crap anymore. I hope to get back into the swing of updating; it might help me work through all this humiliation.

I miss my cat.

Oman
England
France
Hungary
Canada
Chile
Egypt
Australia
Your face
Thailand
China

Split between best two months of my life (romantically speaking) to the two worst months of my life (also romantically speaking.)

I'm not a dumb person. I got a decent SAT score and can explain in only a slightly snotty manner why I don't enjoy Tolstoy, which I know to pronounce tol-STOY.

But goddamn if I'm not smart enough to figure out why someone would want to hurt someone else.

Especially someone they allegedly are in love with.

Ilya spoiled me. I know that now. Adam and his hysterical, grasping, pounding, painful adoration was exciting, but even Adam is enough of a grownup to realize that one doesn't shit where one eats.

I desperately wish for some kind of reprieve. No amount of long talks and great sex can save me, although he might eventually be okay.

Off to Karuizawa tomorrow.

P.S. Yes, I've had my roots dyed and my hair cut since.

Hahaha, I wrote "hat" instead of "hate" and it actually made me feel better. A little.

But in summary, if life were a puppy, I would neuter its face.

Brutal.

Hate.

That is all.

1. Whistle
2. Speak Swahili
3. Turn my vagina into an armadillo with magical powers.
4. Pick my nose without a feeling of deep shame.
5. Sing all of "Henry the Eighth I Am" by Herman's Hermits.
6. Drink vodka without developing a vicious headache.
7. Masturbate to pictures.
8. Remember to put my CDs and DVDs away properly.
9. Stop drunkenly Facebook-stalking my high school boyfriend.
10. Sing without hurting innocent bystanders.

What ten things can't YOU do?

I think I might have made Sayaka, the Vaginaraptor of Shinjuku, quit her job.

Normally, this would cause paroxysms of guilt. Let's examine the facts, however...

1. She has lied to my kids' parents about me.
2. She has called me a whore on several occasions.
3. She has called staff at my other schools to tell them to take my kids away.
4. She has lied to our boss about what she has and has not done.
5. She dresses like shit.

Yeah. I don't feel so bad.

I am having plums for dinner. Plums plums plums.

I hate my job. Hate hate hate.

I love LrB, but y'all must be sick of hearing about that shit.

Dear Baby Jesus Angel Proto-Buddha Guy: please invent a razor that will not give me intimate shaving burn.

hey guys this one time milk

Brak will have to sing my heart to sleep.

I'm so glad I bought expensive sunglasses when I live in a country where this apparently NO SUNSHINE EVER.

Marc Jacobs yyessir

DO WANT.

I just watched the most recent episode of The Office and the ending didn't make me vomit.

It made me get all teary-eyed.

Why am I now a crazy?!