NOW mostly KINDA largely FRIENDS-ONLY

BECAUSE YOU ARE PROBABLY A JERK

Comment to be added and prove you're not a jerk. Yep.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Your Mom!

1. Your Mom can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak.
2. Some hotels in Las Vegas have Your Mom floating in their swimming pools.
3. The Australian billygoat plum contains a hundred times more Vitamin C than Your Mom.
4. If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Your Mom.
5. Until the 1960s, Your Mom was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
6. More people are killed by Your Mom each year than die in aeroplane accidents.
7. Your Mom has a bifurcated penis.
8. Europe is the only continent that lacks Your Mom.
9. Native Americans never actually ate Your Mom; killing such a timid prey was thought to indicate laziness!
10. Your Mom is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

...which we weren't, but whatever.

I was Internetting today and I stumbled upon the following "List of Reasons It's Good to Be Single," or something akin to that. Now, I don't like being single very much, in case you haven't noticed, but even independent of that, this list is stupid.

Let me demonstrate:

Let's find the silver lining shall we?
Let's find your missing comma first.

1. You can go ahead and stop shaving your legs
Welllll...if you're the kind of person who shaves your les (haha! I am keeping this typo!) in the first place (I am one, thanks), then won't you keep doing so for your own comfort? I don't shave my legs because it's expected or requested, but because I greatly prefer to have hairless stems. If my boyfriend ordered me to de-fuzz mes jambes, I would order him to do the same. Then I would get really pissed off and start yelling.

2. There is no pressure to attend all those Superbowl parties/family reunions/professional sports games you had zero interest in

Yes, that's true.

3. You don't have to pretend to like his best friend any more

You shouldn't have to in the first place. Just be pleasant and polite, like any normal adult.

Unless your boyfriend's best friend tells you to shave your legs.

4. A bowl of popcorn, a diet coke and three cookies is, in fact, a perfectly acceptable meal

It shouldn't bloody well be considered an acceptable meal by any means! I really don't see what bearing this has on one's relationship status, anyways.

5. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want

I guess "whomever" is the caveat here. You can't automatically go FUCK anyone you want in some relationships. SOME.

But JEEEEEEEEEESUS, if your partner is telling you where to be and what to do and whoMMMM to do it with, then you are in an abusive relationship. Get help.

6. No more guilt about spending hours reading www.gofugyourself.com or watching The Hills

WHY WOULD YOU BE GUILTY ABOUT DOING THIS WHEN YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP?! "Oh, I'm dating someone, I cannot indulge in bad TV or sartorial snark!" Fuck you, List Writer, you anti-feminist waste of clitoral tissue.

7. On any given day, you could meet your next lover. At the grocery store! In the park! At a bbq!

In a house! With a mouse! In a box! With a fox!

Verdant eggs and pork products notwithstanding, the same is true of ALL MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE REGARDLESS OF RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

8. Four words: The.whole.damn.bed

Ten more words: Not.all.couples.live.together.or.sleep.together.every.night.


Has this person ever been in a relationship? I'm so confused.

The paranoid post I made a few days ago was downright stupid. Guess what, Anna, Ryan's a busy d00d, being both a teacher and a freelance writer. Sometimes people need to withdraw.

I mean, we are moving in together. Sweet. I am actually wicked excited because not only will my rent be cut in half, but we won't have to do the Tokyo-to-Yokohama Compromise/Balancing Act anymore. Plus, he has anxiety issues that manifest as a desire to clean and then dissipate once everything's tidy. Is there any reason NOT to love this guy?

Unlike LrB, he isn't an emotionally-stunted, immature, Seventh-Day Adventist failtranny. He is a sexy ginger kid (I have been with two redheads since moving here; I am now addicted to les garcons rouges) and a video game journalist. HOT.

I am gonna start applying to grad school soon. Wish me luck!

In other news, I taught this really scary, perky woman the phrase "peach fuzz" today, and she promptly turned around and used it on another teacher. Whoops!

Not very exciting, but I said EVERY DAY, and I rather meant it.

I just looked at the phrase "merino boucle" and went..."Michael Buble...merkin?"

Clearly, I need a nap. And more sweaters.

IT SNOWED FOR THE FIRST TIME ALL YEAR LAST NIGHT WHOOOOO

Today was kind of a suckfest; it was Parents Day at one of my kindergartens. I have discovered that I do not enjoy being filmed after 3 hours of sleep while I am screaming the word "BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at a gaggle of Japanese toddlers.

Then the girl I like most in my ten-year-olds class quit because she has TOO MUCH SCHOOL to GO TO SCHOOL. Don't even ask.

I'm exhausted.

I am extremely, EXTREMELY remiss in mentioning this. To be honest, I'd started having all LJ-related emails forwarded to my Spam because I decided, with the lapse of my Paid Account, that I was pretty much finished with LJ and it was time to move on, after almost ten years of possessing a little slice of Interwebs (first as selphietilmett, then as makie).

Then scibilia bought me a new Paid Account. Which I didn't see, as everything was in Spam, until today when I was cleaning out that folder.

Let me tell you guys about the lady in question:

Rebecca's collected quotes of hilarious teacherisms were the only highlight of our high school graduation.

She has unbelievably beautiful eyes.

She is one of the smartest people I have ever met.

She came up to Toronto once for my birthday and made me some delicious baked goods and didn't immediately hate me for being a stressed-out spaz all weekend.

She fits easily into most overhead storage compartments.

Most importantly, she bought a Paid Account for an extremely spazzy high school friend who is a notoriously poor correspondent and a complete flake.

Rebecca, I hope you see this.

I promise to update my LJ every day this year, to show my gratitude. I hope you don't regret buying this for e. And...jesus, thank you. So much. I can't even begin to tell you how touched I am.

1. I am still head over heels for Twilightfaceguy.

2. I ended up in the hospital for the third time this year, apparently for strep and pneumonia. I hallucinated the most magnificent shit ever and spent...ohhhh...let's say sixteen days in a delirium of fever, pain, misery. I have a cracked rib and I can now do a completely amazing impression of Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

3. I was supposed to go to India with my family, but can't get on a plane for three months due to incipient lung collapse.

4. I do not appear to be fired.

5. I bought a pair of zebra-print fleece pajama pants at Seiyu for only 700 yen tonight!

6. I have insomnia.

7. I miss my Paid Account. A lot.

8. Next Wednesday is my birthday.

My Paid Account has lapsed; I decided not to renew it until I start updating more frequently.

I'm feeling much, much better, generally speaking. My visa expired and I'm not allowed to go into work until I get the okay from Shinagawa, but it is COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WORK'S FAULT SO FUCK THEM.

Speaking of THAT, I will be looking for a new job fairly soon. If I am not, by some miracle, told that my contract won't be renewed, in which case I'll stay where I am. I really doubt that will happen.

LrB has, thankfully, been leaving me alone. Except for stalking my OKCupid account, since I blocked him on facebook.

I dressed up as Courtney Love for Halloween and me and some friends went and got drunk in Yoyogikoen.

My Japanese still sucks.

I have started dating this man who completely rocks my socks. Sort of like a cross between the Dawson's Creek guy and Dwight Schrute, facially- so I THOUGHT, until my drunk friend realized that he looks quite a bit like the Twilight dude:



...which, you know, that's cool, as long as he doesn't sparkle or break into my house to watch me sleep or abandon me or get me pregnant with a demon baby or any of the other histrionic shit that happens in those books. I think we have sexually destroyed a cottage or two, though. My word.

I'm doing NaNoWriMo and writing the novel from what actually happens in my life. I haven't worked on Ninth Empire since I left Toronto, but I have been reading, and it's...not very good. The story is still good, the dialogue is great, but the first fifty pages are a cross between Tom Robbins and Tolkien, and I don't even like Tolkien, so that's bad. I will not abandon it, however. I'm hoping this month-long kick in the seat of my writerly pants will jar something loose inside my brain.

OOOh, this breaks my Eugene Hutz mood theme, doesn't it? Maybe I will pay for that account after all...oh, no, wait, it's okay. Still.

Last message I sent to someone on OKCupid:

"Dude, what exactly made you think that I would fuck someone with no sense of humour?"

I mean, really, kids.

1. Army Guy has be unceremoniously cut out. When you spend three hours yelling at someone about shallow behaviour, it's time to sever.

2. Navy Guy is the most accessible applicant. Problem: he's BLOODY NINETEEN.

3. Israeli Guy is mega into me. Unfortunately, he is...not good-looking. So much so that my friend Ginny saw him and sent me a text reading "ANNA NO!!!!"

4. I suck and give up.

I realized, watching old videos posted by old friend on Facebook, that I am a very pretty girl.

That. Is neat.

So, after weeks of trying to throw LrB out, he did it to me. Two weeks ago or so.

I am better off. This I know completely. The last two months of the relationship were very emotionally abusive. I know, because I looked at an INTERNET CHECKLIST. God knows I don't trust my own feelings.

I'm...okay. I didn't miss him until today. It hurt a great deal.

I'm coping, I guess. Went on a date. He didn't fill my heart and mind immediately the way Randall did, but he's a much better person, so maybe I'll get lucky.

That's all the news. Dunno if anyone reads this crap anymore. I hope to get back into the swing of updating; it might help me work through all this humiliation.

I miss my cat.

Oman
England
France
Hungary
Canada
Chile
Egypt
Australia
Your face
Thailand
China

Split between best two months of my life (romantically speaking) to the two worst months of my life (also romantically speaking.)

I'm not a dumb person. I got a decent SAT score and can explain in only a slightly snotty manner why I don't enjoy Tolstoy, which I know to pronounce tol-STOY.

But goddamn if I'm not smart enough to figure out why someone would want to hurt someone else.

Especially someone they allegedly are in love with.

Ilya spoiled me. I know that now. Adam and his hysterical, grasping, pounding, painful adoration was exciting, but even Adam is enough of a grownup to realize that one doesn't shit where one eats.

I desperately wish for some kind of reprieve. No amount of long talks and great sex can save me, although he might eventually be okay.

Off to Karuizawa tomorrow.

P.S. Yes, I've had my roots dyed and my hair cut since.

Hahaha, I wrote "hat" instead of "hate" and it actually made me feel better. A little.

But in summary, if life were a puppy, I would neuter its face.

Brutal.

Hate.

That is all.