NOW mostly KINDA largely FRIENDS-ONLY

BECAUSE YOU ARE PROBABLY A JERK

Comment to be added and prove you're not a jerk. Yep.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Your Mom!

1. Your Mom can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak.
2. Some hotels in Las Vegas have Your Mom floating in their swimming pools.
3. The Australian billygoat plum contains a hundred times more Vitamin C than Your Mom.
4. If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Your Mom.
5. Until the 1960s, Your Mom was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
6. More people are killed by Your Mom each year than die in aeroplane accidents.
7. Your Mom has a bifurcated penis.
8. Europe is the only continent that lacks Your Mom.
9. Native Americans never actually ate Your Mom; killing such a timid prey was thought to indicate laziness!
10. Your Mom is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

I am having plums for dinner. Plums plums plums.

I hate my job. Hate hate hate.

I love LrB, but y'all must be sick of hearing about that shit.

Dear Baby Jesus Angel Proto-Buddha Guy: please invent a razor that will not give me intimate shaving burn.

hey guys this one time milk

Brak will have to sing my heart to sleep.

I'm so glad I bought expensive sunglasses when I live in a country where this apparently NO SUNSHINE EVER.

Marc Jacobs yyessir

DO WANT.

I haven't updated in a while for a good reason(s), but let me say this:

LrB rocks my world.

More later.

I know, I know, all the last eight bajillion posts have been about LrB. Sorry. What can I say?

It's really difficult getting back into the whole LJ scene because I am simply not a fan of expressing myself through writing- fiction, yeah, I do fiction, but sitting down to write about my day is not fun for me.

Moreover, I'm less self-isolating than I was in Toronto, so any reports of daily madness on here would generally be the fifth or sixth repetition that day. I have a synaesthetic distaste (pun!) for repetition, so I try to avoid it.

LrB is easy to write about because peoples' love lives are so polarizing. Either everyone loves a lover, or everyone wants to punch me because they aren't getting any.

Moreover, LrB is like the only NOT-fucked-up thing about living in Tokyo right now.

So, I dunno. Deal. Here's a tarsier:



EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I just watched the most recent episode of The Office and the ending didn't make me vomit.

It made me get all teary-eyed.

Why am I now a crazy?!

Okay, so here's what happened:

I've been looking for an apartment since the end of March. Instead of going through Sakura House (not a good company to deal with) or any of the usual foreigner channels, I took my friend Blake up on his offer to introduce me to his real estate agent, a formidable and wonderful woman named Megumi.

Megumi, Blake, and I pounded the pavement for a day, and I found a beautiful apartment in Shin-Okubo, which is the Korean part of town. It was within walking distance from Shinjuku and two stops away from Blake and the rest of the Love Shack crowd in Takadanobaba. In short, perfect.

In the twenty hours between then and my return to the office the next day, the apartment had been rented. Megumi did some sleuthing and found another unit in the same building- not as good of a view, on a lower floor, and slightly less unique than the original apartment, but still quite good. I decided to snatch it up.

Three days later, Megumi called me: the owners were "uncomfortable" renting to foreigners. May I reiterate that this place is in the KOREAN part of town?

The search started again. I must have walked all over Tokyo. I even went looking two days before my kidney infection put me in the hospital for a week. More about that later if I feel like it. I found a new place in Ogikubo: not as great as the one in Shin-Okubo, but still pretty good. Great location. Tatami mats. An affordable 2DK. Nearly everything I wanted.

Megumi called me two days after I told her I'd take the place: oh, now they need a Japanese emergency contact, instead of Blake (who speaks perfect Japanese). And not just any Japanese emergency contact- a coworker.

Okay.

So, I had one Japanese coworker I felt I knew well enough to ask for this- my friend Mia. I asked her and received a fawning affirmative reply within minutes. All right, set to go! Right? Right???

Weird things started happening. Megumi would call me, looking for Mia, or call me into the office to talk about how hard it was to reach Mia. Meanwhile, my moving date got pushed up by several weeks due to my hospitalization. The whole time, Mia assured me that everything was fine, even though Megumi kept telling me that Mia refused to take any calls and had called HER yelling. Apparently, she was offended that she was asked to give my guarantor company such violently personal information such as the name of her hometown and the phone number of our work's head office. I know, I know, it's like being raped, huh?

Yet, we pressed on. I left for Abu Dhabi, assured that everything would be okay. Megumi hadn't mentioned Mia's stupidity in a few days, and we'd gone over all the necessary documents with no mention of hitches, so while I wasn't exactly feeling confident, I was comforted that things might happen properly.

Oh, and I should mention that I canceled my guesthouse contract and set up my moveout date during this time.

I got back into Tokyo and the next day, Megumi called with great news: she had convinced the management company to accept Blake as my emergency contact, instead of spastic Mia. She did say that she had left Mia's name on the official paperwork just in case she did come through, as Mia'd be a more conventional and acceptable contact. Okay, I said.

Last Saturday, less than 24 hours before I was to sign the contract and move in, Megumi called. The housing company had dropped me and refused the contract.

It seems that Mia had some sort of psychotic fit and sent them a multiple-page fax detailing her fees for translation and English teaching services, threatening noncompliance if they weren't paid. I'm not entirely sure what she expected to accomplish with that, nor what in hell she could have meant by doing so, but the management company was so offended and so freaked out that they refused to deal with me if it meant dealing with her.

Megumi left for vacation in Hokkaido the next day, and she won't be back until the seventeenth. I lose my right to live in my guesthouse a week after that. Oh, and I have to find a new emergency contact...read: impossible.

So now, I don't know what to do. The timing is such that I'm fucked for Tokyo City Apartments and Tokyo Rent, since I work twice as much as usual this week.

I have no time. I am out of time.


I don't know if I could hate Japan any more than I do right now. If things sour with LrB- and I assume they will, because I am who I am- I think I might just give up.

It would be my first time giving up on something.

Had a good couple of days. Had one really terrible day. Details will appear when I am less sleep-deprived and menstrual.

On that note, received a spam email promising "Studs 'N Buds @ Gay Roughnecks.com." Sweet, studs AND buds? Although, you know what they say- why get a bud when you can have the stud for free?

LrB is a cool dude and I have a little bit of a crush on him, but I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm retarded because I was megacaffeinated when I saw him today AND I decided to dress like Paris Hilton that morning. Hey, I was going to Harajuku; I cosplayed. See? See what I did there?

I bought sparkly pink shoes. And I am homeless in 9 days. If you aren't my Facebook friend, the latter surprised you, and I'll tell you more in the morning.

Oh, LrB. Flirting in Inoshakira Koen! Okonomiyaki! You smoke American Spirits! How am I NOT supposed to have the vapors, you pipe-sculpting, long hair-having, sexy jewelry-wearing, man who thinks I'm pretty kinda man?

1. I love Manga Man so very much.

2. I hate Japanese people. That sounds gross as hell, but I'll explain when I'm more sober.

LrB and I are going to the park on Sunday.

THAT IS SO CUTE. Who asks a girl out to the park anymore? Ohmigod ohmigod. I loves it, Toki.

POSSIBLE LRB CONS: He used to be a 7th Day Adventist. Does he fuck? Or, as my friend Joey would say during the "Fuzzy Duck" drinking game, "Fuckey duzz"?

ACTUAL LRB CONS: He is probably way too good for my flat ass. Yes, I meant "flat."

Seen coming home from Narita airport: HOTEL FIRST WOOD.

Seen tonight while catching the last train: MOTOR VEHICLE ASS on a t-shirt.

Oh, Japan. I missed you, kind of.

( Book meme! )

I'm leaving tomorrow and I haven't done any of the stuff I was supposed to do, like:

-- get back to working on Ninth Empire.

-- intensively study Japanese.

-- draw.


Instead, I have:

-- shopped

-- gotten drunk

-- played video games


Oh, well. It is supposed to be my vacation...I've even been too lazy to go swimming. Why do I suck so bad?

I bought my first pair of sunglasses today. Seriously.

My parents had a cocktail party last night and that's why I woke up wearing an Irish man's shoes this morning. He had his driver bring mine back. Apparently, he tottered home in my $380 Kate Spade iridescent coral Mary Janes and didn't realize until he got back to his place. Hell of a fun fella.

I got my hair cut yesterday. It was traumatic as usual. Motherfucker got all pissy because I wouldn't let him dye my hair ash blonde (IF I WANTED TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF MY NATURAL HAIR COLOR I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DYING IT FOR THE PAST 16 YEARS KTHNX) and wouldn't go red at all. I think maybe I look a little too preppy. I'll post pictures later if I remember to...

There's really nothing going on here, but I thought I'd flood your FLs anyways. Hey, I SAID I was back. You didn't forget the posting diarrhea, did you?

MOM doesn't like it when I sing "Rock the Casbah" in public here.

Okay, I'll stop updating now.

Adam keeps sending me emails about how FOX news started the swine flu. Sometimes I'm glad we're just friends now. It seems cruel to mock your lover for something like that.

HOT DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!



If this doesn't work, too bad for you.

I'm back to being able to update, but still kind of at the point where I skim FLs and don't comment anywhere near as much as I should. Then again, y'all know I was never very good at commenting, anyways, so maybe I'm just a douchebag.

You know, I think it has something to do with Cholo. Ever since I got him, I've been lax about updating, because his keyboard isn't as sensitive as Zayyed's was and I tend to make even more typos than I normally do. Then I get frustrated and give up. Hmmm...

Also, OkC is blocked in the Emirates, so any messages from Lipring Boy will have to go unread until I get back to Tokyo. Woe. Why don't people have Facebook? It is a mystery. Even my MOM has Facebook, and she doesn't know how to minimize windows. She thinks it erases webpages if you minimize them. Oh, MOM. She's not Mom anymore. From now on, she'll always be MOM on my LJ.

Actual info:

We went to the Dubai Mall yesterday; it is OMG THE BIGGEST MALL IN THE WORLD OMG WOW. It has an aquarium and I took shark pictures.

( fashion talk; skip if you could not care less )

You know what? Tokyo has made me almost impervious to the stares of men here. Usually I feel like I've had thousands of eyeballs crawling all over me after being out in public for ten minutes here, but I didn't even notice. Then again, Dubai is less stare-y than Abu Dhabi, so I'm sure I'll feel paranoid as fuck and pissed off next time I go do some sexy thing like hit the grocery store here.

GETTING MY HAIR CUT TODAY FINALLY YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
My kidneys hurt. This E. Coli thing is a bitch.

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test...

Pollyanna- INFP

47% Extraversion, 67% Intuition, 47% Thinking, 50% Judging

Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

My first airport LJ update. What milestones I do hit.

I can't leave the airport and go out into my beautiful Hong Kong, so I'm stuck in here looking wistfully at the mountains. They are better than Japanese mountains because they are pointier! I also can't find the taro/coconut/melon Vitasoy soy crack that I literally lived on when I was in HK- no, seriously, that's about all I ingested.

However, I did get my beloved Starbucks mushroom/cheese/broccoli pocket. It's made from whole wheat, so it's totally healthy despite being filled with processed cheese! I also gleefully threw away my trash IN A TRASH CAN. I didn't even have to sort it. My god, my god, the freedoms. I even put my stuff on the ground. OOOOOHHHHH SNAP. Take that, Nihon!

...can you guys tell I need a break from Japan?

Admittedly, despite the last whiny dating-oriented entry, I can't stop thinking about Lipring Boy, the latest object of my affections. This may be due to the fact that I haven't slept in two days, but my brain keeps going back to a dive bar in Kichijojijijijijijijijiji....

I'm soooo excited to be hitting the UAE. I'm buying bras for, like, six people. I lead such a sexy life.

Randomness OVER.